thinking about the past poem

is there a word for thinking about the past that isn’t nostalgia-

because you don’t look back on it fondly,

and not regret-

because it happened to you without your permission?

when memories activate heartache?

i learned something recently-

there are some people that can live decades with tumors that don’t kill them.

all they can really do is monitor the growth of the swelling over time.

that’s what living with my past feels like.

but i don’t have a word for it.